twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
why do cheetos always look like penises
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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