due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Your penis caused this!
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