The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
