Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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