You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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