you would pick up someone in the library
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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