You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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