haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
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