Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
