Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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