So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
