When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
