Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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