omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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