So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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