I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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