people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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