Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
