HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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