If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
