YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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