We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
