For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
