# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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