dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
