We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
