so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
