its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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