I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
