mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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