Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
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