cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Who died my cat blue again?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
