My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I am one with the molecules
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
