Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
