I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
