"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
