i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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