Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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