is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
