When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
