Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
