I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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