My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
