Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
