What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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