It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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