My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
