I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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