he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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