I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
