Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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