Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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