is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
